Full Disclosure

The adoption was hard on us. As you know, it was three years of ups and downs and a whole lot of waiting and not knowing and being completely out of control. It was uncomfortable. It was often miserable. We made it through--and are probably stronger--but there is no denying that the process was very, very difficult.

Since we got home from Ethiopia with our darling girl I have had what seemed like the flu three different times. I have had strange things going on with my body that I wouldn't whisper to you over the phone, let alone write down here. And I have been tired. As in bone tired. As in nine-months-pregnant-working-on-my-feet-all-day tired. All of this together struck me as odd and so I started to do a little internet research. (Trouble.) So did the people who love me. (Double trouble.) We became convinced I had picked up some sort of parasite or perhaps even malaria. I went to the doctor and got tested. I am fine.

Honestly, I was kind of hoping that I "had" something. That would, at least, explain the tired. Of course, I'm thankful that I'm fine. I'm even more thankful that had I actually had something like malaria, I could have been treated. What a place we live in.

By now, I'm actually feeling better. She's been home with us for almost two months. My head has been in the clouds, I've been so overjoyed by her presence. My body, I think, is recovering and adjusting and getting stronger as well.

So, why the health drama? I have a few theories.

1. I have a seventeen-month-old. A very active, very busy, very quickly developing seventeen-month-old. In adoption, there is no "warming up". We didn't get sixteen months of getting to know our girl before she turned seventeen months. Every single day we are learning about each other and she is learning about the world. She is developing like crazy. And the girl loves it. She doesn't walk, she runs. She doesn't want to play with one toy, she wants ten. Everything is new and exciting...to both of us. She is living life to the fullest and I am following her around trying to keep her out of harm's way. Of course I'm tired! I'm a new mommy!!

2. I am not great with change. I often find change exhausting. This was a big one.

3. I'm a wuss. A weakling, pure and simple.

4. I remember in college that I used to go, go, go and then right after finals, I would get a cold or get sick or something. My body knew that it had to be strong for the moment, but when the stress was gone, the reserves left too. This was also the case after our wedding. The excitement leading up was huge and immediately when it was over, sick. When considering this, I think we had three years of waiting stress and when it was finally o-v-e-r, my body began to relax--to let down and take a breather--making me susceptible to any flu bugs floating around.

5. I need a hamburger. Jake and I have been vegan since February. I liked it. I liked the creativity it spurred and I appreciated the self control it imposed. But I think my body is craving more. I was, admittedly, a lazy vegan. Jake is still vegan so we're cooking vegan meals at night, but I have slowly added cheese, dairy and meat back into the diet. Come lunchtime, bring on the burger! (I have to admit that writing that seems forced. I still have many issues with the food industry and treatment of animals. Anyway. I think all of this has something to do with it.)

So that's the unedited version. The transition back home has not been all strawberries and Sesame Street, as I sometimes like to let you think. I am loving our little family and I truly appreciate the journey this has been. I am so so so relieved that the wait is over. I am thankful that on certain nights, I can keep my eyes open past 10. And the best news is that I have a daughter that I am getting to know daily. And, just as important, I that I think I am finally finding myself again.